my name is whatever fake name i gave to you at the bar. im fine with letting the big guy with the buck knife on his belt take me home because he said i was a gorgeous girl with a sparkling personality. it's true that i assume the worst but i've gone ahead and forgiven you anyways. you know what, i think im really really going to miss you. thats right, im going to miss you for the rest of our lives. can you believe it? since the last time we spoke i started going to a new church, i think i pissed off the priest- i said, "father jan, youre from czechoslovakia, arent you"? and he shrugged and said "im from slovakia. its a whole lot of geopolitics". i said, "father jan, that's my name too- and father, my mind was made up before i even got here". i was so embarrassed. i spit my coffee back into my cup. its a good anecdote- its one i think you might have found funny. im still trying to think of ways to make you laugh. im embarrassed- but it's true, sugar, im still who i told you i was. pathetic girl, and the morning i woke up and told you i was dreaming about making movies together, the truth was that i was dreaming about my jewelry on your dresser. i was standing in your grave. we were sitting in the silence. yeah, im really embarrassed. now im not sure what to do with myself. im deciding if i want to be a blackjack woman, or if i want to hide away in the monastery and live the life of a celibate, whenever we meet again you'll say, "sana'a, you smell like christmas"- but do you really think it's impossible? that the falcon to whom you leased your body is going to circle back around for me? im afraid to ask..